流氓女王郑小瑞

就这么又被光阴偷走了一个月。

最近痴迷康永叔叔。对着许多愚蠢的问题，叔叔微笑着，不反问，亦不反驳。

人生的那些个道理，自己讲给自己听就好了。而那些讲给别人的道理，能自我说服和实现的又有多少呢？所以，无须解释辩驳，也无需寻找知音和同类。

说的有些累了。There's no need to talk, the truth of what one says lies in what one does.

依旧艳阳高照，新一轮降温在路上。懒得收拾的夏装还是应该收起。夏天过去了，随之而去的，还有些别的什么。

祝好。那些即将离席的人们。Thank u for always by my side.

所幸，对岸的风景，依旧是夏季。

 

 

 

 

M童鞋在她家麦田高挂我们的踹门事件......看的我不禁失笑。

三更半夜踹自家工地的大门，感觉岂是一个“爽”字可以形容，虽然难免挂上“扰民”之嫌。

信誓旦旦说找不回来的U盘，归家后安然躺在另一个包里。失而复得后为自己的惊慌失措而失笑。M问我--觉得U盘丢了的那一刻，是不是全世界拿来换你都不要，只要你的U盘？当下毫不犹豫的说是，连最舍不得放手的东西都愿意拿来交换。事后想想，觉得真是个不折不扣的孩子。丢了个盘，给我一千万，我可以买无数个U盘。可是在那个当下，忽然失去的东西却成了世界最大的缺憾。就像小时候，总寻思着要嫁给买苹果的叔叔，因为每天都可以吃苹果。我娘当下就担心的看着我，说--那你为什么不嫁给有钱给你买苹果的呢？那时候的我，只觉得苹果是世界上最重要的东西。时隔这么多年，我痴长了这么些时日，竟然还是掉进同一条河流。唏嘘啊。

某家为可以自在放空的美梦而鼓噪不安的老少年，虽然表面痴笑，但是还是偷偷的感动。我们这个年岁，能有这样的鼓噪不安，实属不易。所谓"住在大人世界的孩子"的说辞，实在矫情。只是一点点的童心，确实让这个大大的世界多了一点的温度。

那些个怀揣的梦想，不一定都有到达的一天。只是，如果忘记了，就忘记了呗，如果还怀揣着的话，就实现吧。没有我们一定要达到的地方。找生活要承诺，比找男人要承诺还不靠谱。

康永叔叔是个有智慧有童心的天马行空的大孩子：

1. 你不想流浪吗？

答：想。

2. 哪怕是一下下也好？

答：好。

3. 机会来了，就真的去流浪吗？

答：真的去。

4. 去哪里？

答：哪里都好，反正不好就早点回来。

5. 换什么身份？

答：看我遇上的我喜欢的人希望我是什么身份。对方希望我神秘，我就神秘，对方希望我蠢，我就蠢。

6. 万一没遇上喜欢的人呢？

答：那还算什么流浪？

7. 和什么样的人做朋友？

答：和我很不一样的人。我已经受够我自己了。

8. 变狡猾？还是变天真？

答：我变狡猾，会流浪的比较好。而我流浪的比较好的时候，就会变天真。

9. 流浪完了，要回来吗？还是......

答：会回来啊。一直流浪的话，流浪就变成我要逃离的另一种生活了。

很喜欢以上的问答，叔叔实在聪慧。是啊，天真和狡猾，理想和现实，就像白与黑，所有的庸人自扰都是来自我们固执的要把他们区分的泾渭分明。而所谓流浪，就像牵着线的风筝，有了那根回家的线，天空大的很快乐，而断了线的风筝，天空应该大的可怕吧。

只要想回去，没有回不去的地方，只要想寻找，没有找不回的感情。这样想的话，what if也许就没有那么可怕了吧。有些钥匙，我们只是忘记了放在哪个口袋。

最近要开始新的阅读季和电影季。

 

 

有些个结吧，在某些时刻就打开了。

对着镜子刷牙，看见带着黑框不施粉黛，嘴角挂满牙膏的泡沫的26岁的自己。我是个对镜子有特殊情感的小孩，喜欢审视镜子中的自己，每一个角落，每一个细微的变化。早上睡醒后和同事说--哎，早上的腿最细，看着真喜欢！同事一脸茫然的说--啊，有吗？我怎么都不知道？我说--呵呵，因为我是个自恋的小孩，喜欢打量自己。

不知道什么时候，开始从别家的镜子中打量自己，害怕那些别家折射的不甚美丽或是出乎意料的自己。路过别家窗户从不驻足的我，却开始留恋和在乎某些窗子里自己的样子。也许是因为那些主人，也许是因为自己。

康永叔叔在书里说的，没有信仰很可怕吗？人生没有信仰，既不可怜，也没有可骄傲的，只是没有这个需求罢了。有点醍醐灌顶的明白。叔叔还说--我们大都对邪恶抱着很天真的态度长大，直到有一天，我们触摸到真正的邪恶时，我们会好好的大吃一惊。

对自己的不设防和孩子气忧心忡忡，害怕哪天要真正好好的大吃一惊。可是忽然在想--我应该相信物竞天择的原始道理。瓢虫有点点，是因为他们要逃避追捕，刺猬有刺，是为了保护他们太过柔软且无助的身体，狐狸猜疑，是因为它的对手们都城府很深。有时候，不设防和孩子气是因为我暂时没有这个需要吧。用了暂时，是因为我是保守的金牛座，只是，当需要出现的时候，我自然就知道，我要变成瓢虫，刺猬还是狐狸。

“老师还没有说要交卷，不要着急。慢慢写答案”恩，这个理由说服了我。“答案就算不一样，也不一定是件坏事。”有点敷衍，但是我愿意采纳。记得以前有个学生时代的朋友，每次考试后都臭屁的说--真理总在少数人一边。虽然有时候真理的确偏向多数，但是很多时候，少数人也的确笑到了最后。那厮现在在港大辉煌，也许，我可以聊以自慰。

劣根性之所以为劣根性，是因为它们根深蒂固。恍然大悟抑或迷途知返都是可遇不可求的人生际遇。

句号。

善良提醒：这是一篇毫无逻辑的自言自语。是笨蛋小孩答疑解惑的草稿纸。而且，结论控最后还是没有什么新的振奋人心的结论。做糟糕的是，中文很差的人每次思考都要用英文。所以欢迎大家忽略忘记以及鄙视。

Our older generation believe in controlling a man's purse as a family-power winning tactic.

Our generation believe in grand gestures, sacrifices offered as evidences of "ture love".

What do I believe? Or, the question I'd like to pop here is more like "Why should I even bother to believe any of those". Men and Women, it's never supposed to be a war, or taking control, or power division. And I never assume those who love more will  lose the game, if relationship is defined as one.

I never think I would possibly be one day here try to put a definition to the "L" word. But for me, it does come along every time with trust. That's why I never plot, suspect or probe. people  keep saying it takes strategies and utmost wisdom to win a love game, if so, I guess I am a bull in the "love" shop, unprepared, unequiped, bare fist and wandering. You know what the worst part is, I never bother to prepare, to equip, or put on a boxing glove.

What makes me a unorthodox here? U tell me! Probably I have to blame my lazy bum. If it takes so much ploting and planning to get someone in love, the amount of ploting and planning that can even take your enemies, then why not spare them for those you resent. I agree, love does take wisdom, in a way for you to understand better and question less. But wisdom is supposed to be applied for you to do your homework in a relationship, instead of making others to do theirs. Everyone should be given time and space to take care of their own problems. I learn it in a hard way, btw.

Not being agressive is always seen as a flaw to myself. I understand being agreesive is the best way to survive the jungle, but everytime when I decide to take a single step toward it, the same question pops--Do I really need to go that far? Then, bang! I am still the way I am.

Therefore, the thing I am seriously thinking about is--Can I take the consequences of not being agressive,in love and in life equally? I understand we cannot be equally and constantly taken care of by luck, and there will be some moments to which we have to suck. So can I suck to those moments when options are not open.

The whole thinking is just driving me nut. So, here comes the classic Rain Conclusion：

I dont know who I will become in the future, the only thing I know being who I dont want to become at the current stage.

I dont know what consequences I have to suck to in the future, the only thing I know being I am pretty comfortable with, though not entirely contend about my life at the current stage. And I've sucked to a few things, which is not that bad so far. I know I have changes to make, turns to take, but whatsoever shall always be my call, sole and exclusive.

And I always believe that it's who you are that matters the most. Disappearing in another person's life does not make any of your problems go away. Nothing is supposed to be a safty belt, and marriage is the most hilarious answer so far. Between "marriage" and "secure", marriage is something be secured by two better persons, instead of making two poor and hopeless person feel secure, in a pathetic way.

Pardon me being sarcastic and arrogant here. I have no idea what will happen in the coming 5 years. There is a possiblity that when I turn 30, then bomb! Everything I used to hold tight and firm vanishes overnight, and I may slip and throw myself to the other camp. To err is human, anyway.

All I am saying is, let us flow and see where life leads to us. However, in the flow, always knowing who u are and what you are heading is what matters. When everything is shaking, then trust your heart.

 

哐当! MC阵痛结束。

本来，就不是一场战争。年岁渐长的老少年，愈加不喜欢两败俱伤。

被某小姐评价气质渐长......被某段旧事的当事人甲评价美貌渐长......只是混沌的依旧对往事不明就里。

看到了那些个懦弱，我没有大家眼中的那么懂事而强大。只是，我也没有自己以为的那么绝对。

你们也许是对的，只是，作为一个顽固的体验主义者，我还是想自己走。

那些个答案和交代，总在我们快要忘记寻找的时候，悄然而至。

祝好。

M小姐，为了40岁环游世界的梦想，我还是觉得，我们应该沿着别R他跑步。

某家交友不慎的先生，您可以考虑转投阵营，这里有温暖有青春。

The most thing I like about Grey's Anatomy is the fact that you never stop loving despite of all those dark and twisted personalities.

Admit that, we are all dark and twisted, no matter how cool or perfect we may seem in outsiders' eyes. Those flaws just dont go away, coz' it's the way we are born, and the way that we survive.

I guess sometimes I do miss the old me who is holding me back from accepting the way I am. Growth takes pain, like all my old dresses are not fit anymore. I am not gonna say I like the way it takes, I hate it most. Nevertheless, it does feel right. Those added weights burden me, tie my limbs, however, they make me feel more real. There are a number of words used to seem too big for me, like responsiblity, commitment, or exclusiveness. Now, I kinda of think I can use some "r" and "c" words, coz' some people, and certain life just are worth it.

Thanks for those people who are by my side when I am walking through that dark tunnel, and those who crash my life and make me a surprisingly different myself. Difference can be two ways around, but I think I am looking at the right way, since despite all the changes, I still know who I am and what I am doing. I guess some changes to my dos and donts manual wont hurt. I used to ask myself the question--What if I am destoried? But, if "destory" can be defined as "given the second chance", then it sounds way less scary.

To me and those it may concern:

I guess something is probably bothering you, or you're bothered for most of the time. If choice is given, we would probably prefer to be a selfish runner who can choose to wander around in own own way till it brings us to somewhere we feel secure. However, less choices are given by life, which indeed sucks. However, in life, what really matters is who you are, and who you are determined to become. Don't mirror yourself in others' reflections, time yourself out in other's schedules, nor shaken by passers-by's judgements. Those who truly love you wont love u less no matter what, and those who pretend to care, they just wont care more. It's you that make me understand one thing--It is a blessing to have someone to whom you are responsible for. Depsite how reluctant and resentful I may feel for what I am going to say, I've said it, loud and clear--It's responsibility that makes everyone more mature and caring, even humane. (Oh, shit! It does not sound like me at all! People do change~\(≧▽≦)/~)

I dont know whether I am being childish here, but I love having faith in people, in life, and more importantly, in myself. You will come around, I'll come around, everybody will.

And do remember, the ugly but happy caterpillar is always there who can bring us to the earliest dream.

Best Regards

 

Yours,

Rain

Despite how childish it may sound, I hereby take an Oath...........................

It has been admitted, there indeed are some places where we cannot reach, some promises we have to break, and some dreams we have to smash.

Birth is an divine micracle, but rebirth is even more of a micracle. Catepilars struggle in their cocoos to come out and become beautiful butterflies. People sees the spendid colors and spreading wings, but it is catepilars that know they are always there inside a butterfly's disguising beauty.

I am scared of future, to be pretty much honest. What if everything turns out wrong, and what if I fail to become a better person, to myself and to those I am dying to cherish and protect. It's a shame to admit fear, or admission is one necessary stage leading to cure and improvement.  Have no idea.

I still feel helpless time and again about many things, and I am still see my scars and drawbacks. But, still, it's takes time to find out, before which, I must not give up my faiths, and I should learn how to treat me fairly and nicely.

 

顺利从凌晨1点睡到早上9点。神清气爽。

杰伦哥哥的“米兰小铁匠”唱啊唱的，忽然很想回去JM的教室望着篮球场发呆。JAY哥哥的新专辑叫做“30而立”，明摆的吃老本赚米的商业行径。但是还是感叹了传说中的“时光如梭，光阴似箭”。哥哥出道那年，我们高三，电视里，“星晴”的MV铺天盖地。八年的光景，好像一眨眼就不见了。唏嘘唏嘘。

我偏着脑袋思考我的野心在哪里？M小姐一撇嘴，正中红心--你只对自由这件事有野心！哐当......听着不像个很称头的野心。 但是慢慢愿意承认，愿意选择一些责任和牵挂，牺牲掉一些自由。因为这样的自由才不是沙漠里孑然一身的残垣，而是生活城堡里那个上锁的房间，钥匙一直握着我手里。

外面的阳光和海很诱人。决定周末挑个时间拍片片去。不堪回首的十天终于过去了。感恩。

 

最近BT的忙......心态已经从一开始的抗拒到现在的BH挑战即将奔向27大龄青年的体力和心理极限。骨子里，还是个喜欢挑战的Tarus。当某个标杆被拉的很高的时候，奔跑和跳跃都变成了一种自豪感。这种心态，其实并不适合这把年纪的女青年。但是呢，小美摇摇头，whatever。停留的那一天，我会知道。享受奔跑的时候，不停下来是种幸福，当想停留的时候，有个人在某处看着微笑，是种更大的幸福，大的可遇不可求。

告诉某家奔三大龄青年，能否孤独终老的决定权并不在我们手里。我们能决定的，只是我们要尽可能的好好一个人生活，这样，才可以在生活里放进另一个人的重量。SECURE是个很神奇的词，作为形容词，它是“有安全感的，自信的”，作为动词，它说的是：get something by your own effort. 对于我来说，安全和自信的来源的确在于--I earn everything in my life myself. 工作，房子，财富和爱情。不喜欢不劳而获的人也许辛苦，但是住在自己的人生里是安全的。蔡说--独立而不独立化。我说--恋爱可以谈，婚不要轻易结。

数数剩下的未完的工作....多的让我自豪啊! 杰出的女青年决定继续干活去。

前几天抽风六亲不认的巴士，莫名的正常了，终于记住了LN的用户名和密码。很好，搁置处理的确是对的。

最近和蔡童鞋的夜聊常常发生在豪宅的儿童游乐场。幼稚的郑小美常常因i为可以塞进小盆友的滑梯或是骑上小盆友的木马而沾沾自喜。

蔡说--婚是他人的他人的婚，房子是他人的房子。至少，我还是其中第一顺位的那个他人。虽然代价是自由和骄奢淫逸的生活。我不要蜕皮变成法院人士说的“美女蛇”，听着既不可爱也没气势，我，是美女ga zhua 小美童鞋。长到了奔三的年纪，才要开始接触柴米油盐的人生，不知道这算不算一种晚熟。

花时间慢慢调整自己，不想跑输叫做生活的大狗。接下去的数月，忙碌应该是逃不掉的主题。已经懒得抱怨，而是认分的接受了。有力气抱怨，我还不如睡觉去。我要把“看着年轻”的美誉发扬光大。